Sex is supposed to be a fun, satisfying experience. The ultimate closeness occurs when two people engage in a mutually satisfying sexual relationship, yet many people have no idea how to express their sexual desires. Becoming more sexually assertive allow you and your partner to develop a closer and more loving relationship. Becoming sexually assertive doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a learned skill, and like anything else, there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it.
Being sexually assertive does not mean forcing your wishes onto your partner. In fact, it means the exact opposite. It means communicating with one another, both verbally and through visual cues about what you want in your sexual relationship. Never, at any time, does it mean forcing your partner into uncomfortable practices or having your partner force you into something you don’t want to do. Both of you have the right to ask for consent and be respected. You and your partner also have the right to withdraw your consent anytime during experimentation if one of you begins to feel uncomfortable.
Having a sexual voice in your relationship can not only lead to more fun but also a more profound commitment toward one another. As you learn these skills and how to express yourself, you’ll learn how to be more sexually confident, which will also bring you more joy as a human being.
Start With These Outside of the Box Suggestions
Confidence in any realm is sexy; thus, it makes sense to find ways to boost your sexual confidence. Although you may feel reticent about speaking up, there are other ways you can increase your confidence. Some may work for you, and some may not. Chances are, however, you’ll find more than just a few of these suggestions that will work well in augmenting your love life.
Improve Your Confidence Outside the Bedroom
Sexual confidence starts outside the bedroom. If you’re not confident in daily life, how can you be confident with your partner? When you are alone, take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “What is great about me? Be honest because you’ll find some things that are. Take a look at yourself naked too. Of course, you’re not perfect. No one is, including your partner. Think about what you would like to change and know that you can work toward your goals.
Rock the Workout
Sculpted bodies are sexy. All the best athletes have defined muscle structure, not only on their torso on their torsos ut also on their arms and legs. If you don’t go to the gym, start a workout routine. If you already go, change it up. Ask a trainer what you can do to look better. Take that class you’ve had your eye on. Be realistic about what you can achieve and don’t beat yourself up if it takes a long time to get there.
The most significant benefit is that you will look and feel better and be healthier. There’s another benefit too. Your sex life will improve. Those who maintain a good weight and are cardiovascularly fit function better sexually.
Own Your Physicality
Every movement you make plays into your sexual messaging. Think about the way you walk, the way you sit, the way you place your arms and your legs. How do you express yourself intentionally through body language? Is your touch firm yet gentle? Is it welcoming, or do you move half-heartedly with the thought in the back of your head that you’re going to fail? Purposeful movement is the way to go about creating a confident sexual presence.
All relationships start with you. If the relationship with your psyche isn’t quite right, then the relationship with your partner won’t be right either, both inside and outside the bedroom. Take the time to love yourself mentally as well as physically. By doing so, you will be better able to communicate to your partner what you truly want.
Whether it’s online or through more traditional forms such as a magazine or a book, educating yourself about sex is empowering. Find out about things that make you curious, such as if lube is necessary or what the mechanics are behind orgasm. Whether you read a self-help book to learn about the trigger points for arousal or an erotic novel to find new stimulating ideas, your love life will benefit. Every idea won’t appeal to you or your partner, but the more you expose yourself to possibilities, the more paths to pleasure you will find.
Improving the Paths of Communication
The above tips primarily involve things that you can do on your own. Let’s shift focus to various forms of communication with your partner. As with all relationships, clear communication is key to a trusting sexual relationship.
Become Proactive With Your Sexual Health
Not only should you talk to your doctor about your sexual health, but you should also talk to your partner. This task is important even if you are past 50 as older adults can also get HIV and STDs, yet at the same time, older adults are much less likely to get the proper testing. Many people are afraid to talk to their partners about their sexual health and simply dive into the act. However, openly discussing sex with your partner shows a high level of care and trust and is a critical element in learning how to be more confident in the bedroom.
Just Start Talking
Don’t ever be afraid to talk with your partner about sex. If you are afraid to speak to your partner because you feel that your partner will humiliate or make fun of you, then you have to examine the relationship to determine if you should continue it. Talking about sex is a situation where mutual trust comes into play. There’s no room for judgment here. When you choose to share your body with someone, you should never feel shame. Be open to your partner’s desire and suggestions, but never be afraid to speak up when something makes you uncomfortable.
Understand Your Body Through Masturbation
Masturbating can help you understand your sexual likes and dislikes. Sometimes, we take the easy way out and watch porn as a well to get off, but if you’re honest with yourself, you know that porn is unrealistic. Instead, take yourself to a quiet place, close your eyes, and visualize what you would like to do with your partner and how you want your partner to touch you. By masturbating using just your imagination, you can find what turns you on and eventually suggest your fantasy to your partner, allowing you to move naturally into new sexual play. Visualize different ways of expressing and feeling your sensuality and sexuality while masturbating and pay attention to how you feel. Does it feel right? If so, maybe you have played it too safe, and you’ll realize that it’s time to indulge yourself and your partner.
Make a List of Desires and Set Boundaries
Once you know your desires, you can make a list of things that you want and don’t want, both inside and outside the bedroom. Creating a list is an excellent way to set boundaries for all kinds of issues, not just sexual ones. When you discuss your wants and desires in such a manner, you show your assertiveness without being overly aggressive. Write down your sexual boundaries and keep them handy so you can refer to them if lovemaking starts moving toward uncomfortable territory.
Express Your Desires Through “I” Statements
Expressing your sexual desires is tricky, especially when doing so verbally, but it can also be challenging to put them down on paper. Using the word “I” can remove much if not all possible conflicts concerning sex. When you use the word “you” in a conversation, it automatically puts your partner on the defensive. Using phrases such as “I want” and “I would like” frame your desires in a different light. Using words such as “You want” or “You must” can set up conflict and ultimately kill the buzz for the moment, if not for longer. Interpreting your wants and needs in this manner is not passive, but instead puts your interests clear without placing blame on your partner.
Taking It Back to the Bedroom
You’ve worked on yourself and you’ve worked on communicating with your partner. What happens when you take it back to the bedroom? It’s not as frightening as you think.
Instead of telling yourself that your sexual advances won’t work, visualize what you would say and do in a successful encounter. Imagine how your perfect sexual encounter would go and then head into the bedroom believing that the success you achieved in your imagination will occur in real life.
Uncover Pleasurable Desires
Now it’s time to get to work in the bedroom. When you and your partner are both relaxed and not in a hurry, take the time for a mutual touching session. Spend time gently touching various areas on each other’s bodies. Touch each other in different ways, varying the pressure and speed at which you touch each other. Avoid each other’s genitals. Note what feels good. When you’re done, discuss the sensations that you both enjoy most and least. Partaking in this exercise is a great way to find out about your mutual desires without heading directly into sex.
Practice Soft Sex
For many men, experiencing a soft penis during sex is incredibly frightening. The truth of the matter is erections naturally wax and wane. Many factors can affect an erection, including fatigue, stress, and illness. Many men have trouble achieving an erection following prostate surgery, for example. The lack of an erection doesn’t mean your partner isn’t attracted to you. As you age too, going limp while you are pleasuring your partner becomes more common. As long as it doesn’t happen all the time, don’t let it become a problem. In fact, soft sex is underrated. Medical experts at UCLA note that you don’t have to have an erection to have an orgasm. Even men who cannot have an erection or only get a partial one can experience orgasm with the right sexual stimulation. If you have normal skin sensation, you can achieve orgasm.
Many times we become discouraged with our sex lives because it often ends up being the same old thing. Going outside your routine is a great way to boost your sexual confidence. Remember that list of desires you made? Try one of the points on that list. The change doesn’t have to be extreme. Most of the time, change happens gradually, and when you start with something small, you’ll find that a tiny change after another will lead to more overall satisfaction.
Don’t Expect Perfection
Sex, much less life, rarely goes as planned. Letting go of expectations of perfection will help you become more sexually confident. You’re not perfect; your partner is not perfect. Keep your cool and move onto the next adventure.
Remember to Laugh
This point goes hand in hand with not expecting perfection from yourself or your partner. The best thing you can do when something goes wrong in the bedroom is to simply laugh. Laughter will eliminate the embarrassment of not being able to get into that position you wanted to try so much or reduce the pressure of having to perform. Taking sex less seriously can bring you and your partner closer together and make it easier to act on your true desires. Laughing with your partner will reduce tension and keep both of you feeling positive and more connected.
Remember the adage of practice makes perfect? Changing habits takes time. By improving your communication skills, trying new things, and just experimenting over and over again, you can become more sexually confident with your partner.