Written by guest contributor Mitch Orkis, Co-Founder & CMO of Cake.
Here’s the 100% true story of how my own ho-hum sex life made me dive into research, start Cake (a sex company) and reignite the fun with my husband along the way.
My husband and I met when I was 26 and he was 23. It was New York, and everything that implies. We both worked at big agencies, had social lives on speed, ended up at some gay bar in the East Village nearly every weekend — cut to ordering seamless every Sunday and nursing ourselves back to work on Monday. You know the drill.
Would I ever go back to that life? Hell, no. Was it amazing? YES.
Sex-wise, we were having fun two to three times a week. It was good. Like, really good, for the first few years.
Then I proposed and we got married. Yay! But things started to shift a bit in the bedroom. Our jobs got more stressful, we bought an apartment, friends started to leave the city. Overall, the mood shifted from carefree to serious. The sex was fine when we had it, but we definitely started to dip down to once a week, then once every other week, then once a month.
I started thinking about how and why things got to be the way they were. We loved each other, were attracted to each other, and felt connected. So why weren’t we hitting the sheets? Was it because the novelty had worn off?
I started to talk with my friends, friends of all sexual orientations. The more I talked, the more I realized the story was the same in their relationships, especially for married friends.
I learned so much from these frank conversations. When sexually frustrated people start to share about their sex lives, you start to gain an understanding of how badly they want to try some kinky shit.
Like not super kinky, but let’s just say that the amount of times threesomes or innocently chatting on a hookup app (so long as you didn’t end up doing anything of course) came up was a surprise. And I am not easily surprised.
I started asking “…do you want to have a better sex life?” 100% of the responses were a VERY enthusiastic YES.
I then asked, “…so, what are you doing to get it?”
Crickets. Literal crickets. No one knew how to get out the sex ruts they’d found themselves in. Including me and my husband.
That got me thinking. If there are so many people who want better sex lives but don’t know where to start…. why not guide them? Why not give them the tools and products they need to reignite the flame and try some kinks for the very first time?
And that’s how we got to Cake, the inclusive sexual wellness company I helped cofound. I teamed up with my now business partner, Hunter Morris, and started researching and testing lubes, toys, condoms, and more.
The next two years of my life became completely consumed by researching sex, talking about sex, thinking about sex. I lived and breathed sex—in my work life. My own sex life? Well, you’ll see.
Here’s what we learned and why we made Cake’s products:
1. People don’t always want to have sex.
We heard this from one of our sex experts: “If couples had the same libido, marriage counselors wouldn’t exist.” Add that to the fact that, if you’re gay, one of you typically has to bottom. Hey, it’s hard to always be down to clown. That’s why we created So-Low Lotion. It’s a lube/lotion combo meant for male masturbation. And it’s our top-selling SKU by like…a lot. Coconut oil-based and specially formulated to transform from a lotion to lube as you use it, So-Low completely levels up the self-love experience if one’s partner isn’t in the mood. Or, if one’s partner’s hand is 🙂
2. Guys use toys way more than we expected.
Tons of men are getting it on with the help of sex toys, from vibrators to dildos, sleeves, and more. Something else we learned? Lube in a butt crack is wack (unless you’re entering that area, keeping lube only where you want it is IMPORTANT). Enter Toy Joy, our lube made for toys. It stays where you put it, making any toy play more satisfying and less messy.
Read on for benefits of using sex toys in the bedroom
3. Butt sex can hurt
(and that’s sometimes why people don’t want to do it). So we made a 1-2 combo: two lubes for the whole anal journey. Tush Cush is for getting started (chock full of aloe, for the beginner in butt play), where Backside Slide is all about going, and going, and going. Made with the slippery-est silicone we could find, it provides the slide and glide you want when using the backdoor. In our research, we learned that silicone doesn’t absorb into the body, hence it staying slippery for a while—perfect for bum play.
4. Being clean is key to a good experience.
No matter how dirty the sex gets, we all want to feel refreshed for what comes after. Enter Feel Fresh wipes. Packable and flushable, they’re perfect for both steamy sessions and impromptu quickies.
5. Articulating what you like in the bedroom is hard.
Some people don’t even know! That’s why we created this sexual preference quiz. The idea is that you take it, share the results with your partner, and then discuss. Better understanding = better sex.
So where does all of this new knowledge leave me and my husband?
For one, I’m thoroughly enjoying product testing. Like, lots and lots of product testing. New lube? Yep, we’ll try it! Sex toy demo? Sure, pass it our way! That’s been fun for us both, giving the term “working from home” some new meaning.
But more than that, digging deep into the truth about people’s sexual relationships has opened a door to deeper, more connected discussions for us, too. We’re more open and more honest.
I had no idea that starting this sex company would end up becoming an important key in rekindling my sexual relationship. But it’s made us have hotter, more frequent, and honestly, deeper and more connected sex. Both of us feel more comfortable asking for what we want, even if it’s a little weird.
The best part? While talking about some of our fantasies, I jokingly laughed that we should try having sex on a blanket in front of the fireplace, a la a corny movie. Cut to the fact that we now have a fireplace….I’ll let you fill in the rest.